Bikers

[Tom]

I posted this om the .com site but it got pulled for content.... Maybe it`s not too overboard here.

BEFORE IT STARTS

A biker came home from the road, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little confused, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little pissed, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The biker sighed. "Oh s****, it's started.

************************************************** ************************************************** *************************
The Biker and the Nun

A Biker came along a Nun on the side of the road with a flat tire. He stopped and asked if the Nun needed any help. The Nun not being mechanically inclined, accepted his help.


The Biker jacked up the car, but when he got the tire off the ground the jack slipped and the car dropped. s****!!! shouted the biker. No,,, replied the Nun, say Bless Me Father.

Grumbling under his breath the biker jacked the car up again, and again the jack slipped. s****!!! roared the biker. The Nun determined to save his soul kindly reminded him to say, Bless Me Father.

Mumbling , and grumbling the Biker returned to the task at hand, but again the jack slipped dropping the car with a crash. His jaws locked, and his face red with anger, the Biker slowly muttered the words, Bless Me Father.


With that the car slowly raised off the ground. The Nun seeing this miracle turned white as a ghost, and in a quivering voice said s****!!!


************************************************** ************************************************** ****


I Want To Join Your Club!

The little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope... but I've been swung around by the nipples a few times."

__________________

[V8 Perv]

Tom, I'm really disapointed in your post!

I started reading and was thinking this would be some
really hot shit and then those really tame stories.

You got to be kidding that it got censored.

[Tom]

Nope... Within an hour. Sometimes I forget where I am and offend people. At least I know the limits now... But then... That has always been my M.O.

[AR]

> --- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
>
> How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
> Marry It!
>
> What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
> A battery has a positive side.
>
> What are the three fastest means of communication?
> 1) Television
> 2) Telephone
> 3) Telawoman
>
>
> How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
> They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
>
> What should you give a woman who has everything?
> A man to show her how to work it.
>
> Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
> waist?
> Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
>
>
> How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
> Put a nipple on it.
>
> Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
> Because they don't have balls to scratch.
>
> Why do women fake orgasms ?
> Because they think men care.
>
>
> What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
> Nothing, she's been told twice already.
>
> If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
> you done wrong?
> Made her chain too long
>
> How many men does it take to open a beer?
> None, it should be opened when she brings it.
>
> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
> never be able to support you.
>
> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
> closer to the kitchen sink.
>
>
> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
>
> How do you fix a woman's watch?
> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>
> Why do men pass gas more than women?
> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
> pressure.
>
> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
> the front door, who do you let in first?
> The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.
>
>
>
> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> A woman who won't do what she's told
>
> I married a Miss Right.
> I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>
> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
> by 90%..
> It's called a Wedding Cake.
>
> Why do men die before their wives?
> They want to.
>
> Women will never be equal to men..
> Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
> and still think they are sexy.
>

[V8 Perv]

Hey Rob, Thats some good shit be sure to share it with
all the guys at the .com site!

[AR]

Hey Rob, Thats some good shit be sure to share it with
all the guys at the .com site!

97.5% - 98% of them would love it...but thats the way it has to be.

[Butterfly]

All I can say is..OUCH!!!!!!!!


Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

[Butterfly]

okay..try this one!

Men Are Like...

... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

[Butterfly]

Try this one guys

A road-wary old biker walks into a saloon to have a cold beer after a long, dusty ride. At the end of the bar, he sees a rather good-looking "lady of the evening". She smiles at him and asks if he's looking for a good time. Well, having been some time since his last snarlin' he accepts. After agreeing on a price, she escorts him up to her room and they start humpin'. After about 10 minutes of furious banging the old biker asks:

"So babe, how am I doin'?"

She replies:

"You're doin' 3 "knots".

"3 knots?.... What's that mean?" replies the biker.

She said:

"You're NOT hard, you're NOT in and you're NOT getting your money back!"

***********************************************************************************

A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:

"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:

"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:

"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:

"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"

"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:

"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."

"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?"

"Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."

[carburetormike]

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

[gaston 2005 502]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[gaston 2005 502]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled
to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed
to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the
increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in
the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he
currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to
tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex and
Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins
in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely
put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.

Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on
going to paradise.